The Disney Civil War

Four score and seven months (give or take a few) Marvel set fort upon its fandom a Civil War.  By that time I was out of comic collecting & only followed the story at a very distant distance.  I know that Tony Stark wanted to register meta-humans and Captain America did not.  This sounds eerily like the GOP primary race.  Peter Parker also traded his secret identity for some Stark Industries Spidey Armor.
For some time now the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been leading up to this epic showdown between Iron Man & Cap.  We've been given an impetuous Tony Stark and a straight laced, by the book Steve Rogers to be the foes in this battle.  (Sony gave Spidey back and he apparently will be making an appearance.)  All we needed to know is what causes the rift and who's on whose side?
The first CW trailer answers those questions:

 

Bucky.

Seriously, the whole Civil War is over Bucky.  Tony Stark gets so butt hurt over Cap's old BFF showing back up that he becomes the by the book Avenger while Cap throws that book to the wind for Bucky.  Is this the MCU or the High School Musical Universe.  Thanks Disney for ruining what had been a roaring success & turning it into a teen drama.  Come on, Tony Stark pouting because he "Used to be" Caps best friend while holding Rhodey in War Machine's mangled armor.  Disney, please oh please don't screw up Star Wars.  My confidence is wavering.
If you even care anymore, Team Iron is of course War Machine with the Black Widow, the Black Panther (who looks awesome) and probably Spider-Man (red & blue, not black...but how cool would that be?).  Team Cap is Hawkeye, the Scarlet Witch, the Falcon & Bucky.

The Civl War Begins implies that this will be an ongoing story.  What's next? The Vision borrowing Thor's hammer & scratching it?  Bruce Banner not getting Scott Lang's jokes?  I can't wait.

I give this preview a Hulk Smash which is exactly what I wanted to do after seeing it.

Now back to watching more Star Wars Episode VII commercials.

Fill in the _____________ of the Planet of the Apes

I gotta admit that my first impression of this preview was very negative.  It took me almost half of it to accept the fact that James Franco is not the human lead.  Why did they even bother with this film?  Who cares about computer generated talking apes anyway.  What's next Affleck as the Dark Knight?
I muscled past this massive disappointment and realized that I actually enjoyed the preview.
It opens with a shot of I Am Legend's overgrown New York (except this is San Francisco but you'll think the same thing when you see the preview).  We learn that Caesar is now conversant, has a family and has mastered Dressage (go ahead and click the link so you'll get the joke).  Commissioner Gordon shows up ready for a Gotham style street fight with the League of Assassins.  Caesar also deals with an ape itching for the fight which we are treated to glimpses of as the preview closes.

**Spoiler Alert**
This wasn't in the preview, but at some point the apes knock over the Statue of Liberty in NY and drag it to a beach somewhere.  I don't want anyone freaking out like they did in Spider-Man 2 when Gwen died.

I give this preview a bipedal-foot thumbs up.  All I can say is that it's a good thing that James Franco didn't bring back any flying monkeys from Oz or this movie would've been over faster than the preview.

Thor: The Dark World

Everyone's 3rd favorite Avenger's second movie will be out in November, which means that the
preview is in theaters now.  Get to your seats early when going to a Marvel movie if you want to find out what's in store for the butt of Tony Stark's best jokes.
We find out that Thor will be fighting the Universe's oldest enemy.  Before there were bad guys there was, DARKNESS.
To do this, Thor must once again don his mother's drapes and reunite with Princess Amidala.  How'd that work for Anakin?  Come to think of it he ended up wearing the Emperor's drapes.
The trailer for Thor: The Dark World really is just a reminder that the next Captain America preview will be out soon which means that the one we're really waiting for is just around the corner-ANT-MAN.
***Spoiler Alert***
Thor springs Loki under the threat of death if he double crosses the Norse god of thunder.

***Rating***
One Hammer-after seeing this preview I'll spend the whole movie wondering how Loki double crosses Thor & it'll probably be a very minor plot point.

Not a 'Plain' preview

Engines thunder then White Zombie's More Human Than Human blares and this trailer has the makings of a hit. Animated air planes with eyes filling their windshields reintroduce us to Pixar's world of sentient vehicles.
The preview's protagonist is Dusty, a crop duster who's afraid of heights and apparently races against World War II era planes. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something very familiar about this preview.  We find a vehicle in a small town who goes on race internationally.  There's also the little forklift characters that I've seen somewhere before.  It seems like there should be a bucktoothed airplane, but I didn't see one in the preview.  I just get the sense that I've seen this story before.
Maybe it's just me.

***Rating***
1 Ka-Chow!  You'll want to watch this preview again and again so you'll get the line about how fast you fly right.
  

 
 

Elysium Fields

I get the feeling that I've seen this preview before; the haves verses the have nots, a crisis and a reluctant hero.  A thief having paid his debt to society trying to do right but catches a bad break.  Matt Damon's playing a smart elic.  Matt Damon having his body enhanced and then being sent on a mission.
Lucky for Sony I'm a fan of movie cliché.
Elysium is of course a utopia and the Earth is of course a dystopia.  Good Will Bourne through a series of events is apparently exposed to radiation which, unlike Peter Parker or Bruce Banner, will kill him in five days. So his buddy digs out Mickey Rourke's Iron Man 2 costume, bolts it to Jason Hunting and sends him to Elysium where Jody Foster looking like her Clarice character frets about him.  Some chick has a daughter that apparently is sick & needs to get to Elysium too because our hero has to have a better reason than saving his life to get up there.

***Spoiler Alert***
There are no surprises in this trailer.  Matt Damon and his exo-skeleton make it to
Elysium and stuff blows up.

***Rating***
9 as in District 9 by the same director which was a good movie but this preview was better.

The Smurfs Rise

Just like this blog, the Smurfs are back baybee!
Just like all the kids in America have been waiting for this sequel, you've been waiting for more Preview Reviews.
Just like the last two sentences began...

I had to look the Smurfs 2 preview up on line because I haven't seen it in any theaters.  This may be the first that you're learning about this movie and just now are realizing that your kids are probably going to get a Smurf themed kids meal somewhere and start begging to be taken to this cinematic delight.
A lot of part live action, part computer animated movies are entertaining to us parents too, and if this preview is any indication; Smurfs 2 ain't one of them.
If like me you thought there wasn't enough Gargamel in the first Smurfs tilt, you will be rewarded in the Smurfs 2 preview.  He's running around like General Stryker from the X-Men gave Harry Potters powers to Mr. Bean.
He's created Bizzaro Smurfs who are grey & he spends the whole preview trying to trick Smurfette into telling them the secret to turning blue.

***Spoiler Alert***
Envy or holding one's breath for a long time cause blueness.  Duh.

I give this Preview the Deuces
As in throwing them up when it starts for one last potty break before the feature starts.

Finally, I've been waiting years for this preview. I can still remember the static ridden beep followed by "Houston, we have a problem" that was the greatness of Apollo 13. It took several years, but finally the sequel has arrived.


The preview begins with a bit of subterfuge with the tag line, "Officially Apollo 17 was NASA's final manned mission to the moon." So, I'm thinking Apollo 18 is going to be a spy movie, but no we find out that it's a documentary. Now I'm thinking great, best case scenario Michael Scott and Ricky Gervais are the astronauts, or worse case; Michael Moore's going to be running around Houston harassing rocket scientists about whether or not the moon landings were faked.


Much to my relief an intriguing development occurs. This is lost footage. First person lost footage. Now we're talking. This film is by Dimension Horror. It's not a sequel to Apollo 13, it's a prequel to the Blair Witch project. Everything is there, the "What was that?" noises and motion at the periphery of the shot. There are even footprints in the dust. I expected for the preview to end with an astronaut standing in the corner.


This preview is suspenseful. It poses a lot of questions about the movie, but doesn't answer any of them. There's even a Screamer (the sci-fi movie, not Scream)



I give this preview a full moon.

Captain America: The First Avenger Preview

I don't review movies here so I won't talk about Captain America, unless of course it was a two hour Avengers preview! Admit it, it sorta was.

Who doesn't sit through all of the credits to see the postview of whatever Marvel movie they've just watched? Not me. I even went cross eyed trying to read who all the stunt persons were. Then it came, what I'd subconsciously waited for through the whole movie-the last scene.

The other scenes in the Iron Man movies & Thor stand alone with a heavy dose of foreshadowing, but Cap's scene pretty much devolves into an Avengers Preview. It goes from Col. Fury talking to Capt. Rogers in a cliche'd boxing gym to the Avengers commercial that will probably run during the Super Bowl. I'll review the actual trailer later and will only say this about it now.

Isn't the Hulk in the Avengers?

Apes Will Rise

The preview for Rise of the Planet of the Apes totally ruins the climactic and shocking ending of the Charlton Heston cult classic, Planet of the Apes. If you haven't seen it, you need to watch it before viewing this preview; or before reading the next sentance.

*** Spoiler Alert! ***

In the first scene of this preview we are exposed to two shocking revelations; the first is that the Planet of the Apes is in fact the Earth and the second is that James Franco plays a character that cures Alzheimer's and trains a monkey.

I'm sorry, but I must indulge in a brief rant. Don't a lot of people believe that apes started walking around on their hind legs, then lost that awesome opposing digit on their feet that the Beast from X-Men First Class had, and then started wearing clothes? So; in effect, haven't the Apes already risen? This move should be titled Planet of the Apes with the tag line, Apes will Rise-Again.

Anyway, back to the preview. We quickly learn that a drug tested on Caesar, a chimpanzee, is the cure for Azheimers; however it also makes Caesar smarter than James Franco. The chimp is separated from his family by a bunch of Mageirocophobiacs (people with fear of monkeys). Caesar then causes monkey mayhem. The action hinted at is probalby worth a matinee movie ticket. The effects were done by the same folks who did Avatar. Unfortunately I didn't see any glowing trees or blue gorillas in the preview; maybe they're in the full length movie.

I would love to give this preview two opposing thumbs up, but I can't based on the fact that Franco is seen too much to maintain credibility as a scientist. Secondly, how many times does some awesome cure for a major disease or some awesome global military defense computer have to be the cause of mankinds demise? I think they should have called the film, Ape is Legend or Terminator 5: Rise of the Apes. And it leaves one major question unanswered, where does Mark Wahlberg fit?

Yes, this may be the best marriage proposal ever; however it might also be the worst thing for movie previews ever as well.



Thank you Mr. Cavanaugh first for making my proposal woefully inadequate and second for creating unbelievably high expectations for single guys looking to enjoy a movie with a single gal. Now, if the couple is at that stage of their relationship the lovely ladies will all be expecting something like this while the guy is just getting hyped about the next comic book movie adaptation. I can see it now, he leans over and whispers softly in her ear, "I know what we're doing June 17th" at that moment a tear forms in her eye and he has no idea why.
I got to hand it to you Mr. Cavanaugh, or should I say Mr. New York 2007, the movie trailer was awesome. I'd like to see that film, Jason Bourne meets any Hugh Grant character.

My advice guys, just check out the previews on your phones and go to the concession stand to buy your lady something special until the opening credits roll.

Capitalism: A Love Story

For the sake of full disclosure I must admit that I believe Michael Moore to be a buffoon and that I have not seen all of his previews. The trailer for his latest, Capitalism: A Love Story, is rather blah as movie trailers go. With comedies you usually get at least one Laugh Out Loud, horror flicks some sort of a shock, with chick flicks an Awwww or super thriller that "I gotta see that" special effect. I guess documentaries are different they should inspire introspection and thoughtfulness. I get the impression from this trailer that Moore is shooting for introspection and LOLs.

In typical fashion, from what I understand from the few trailers of his films that I have seen, Moore shows up at whatever evil empire's headquarters he's pointing his camera at and then tries to make the people at the front desks look incompetent while trying to get an audience with the executive. Then he takes his camera to the streets where he interviews everyday Americans about the evils of capitalism, the need for the 'have nots' to take from the 'haves'. Interspersed are clips of police in riot gear. I have no idea what he's implying.

*** Spoiler Alert ***

This is a subjective spoiler alert. If you are someone who believes that the nation would be better if wealth were shared then you'll be on pins and needles anticipating what genius idea Moore will provide. Will he incite revolution or incite blind loyalty to a certain political party?

If you truly love capitalism, not investment banking but an economic system based on private property ownership and the honoring of contracts, then this preview will not surprise you at all.

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

There are not words to express the elation I felt when I first saw the GI Joe Rise of Cobra trailer. From my earliest memories of playing with the original 12" action figures (not dolls) to owning almost every 3.25" action figure and a majoritiy of the vehicles the GI Joe trailer was the culminaiton of a lifetimes expectation. The real American hero cartoon, while entertaining, was ultimately a disappointment. The Marvel comic was an adequate distraction from the dismay that those characters may never come to life on the big screen. But then came the 2009 Super Bowl when the first commercial aired and a dream was realized.

This preview is excellent with General Hawk's voice providing the narration while those familiar characters sprint, vault, plummet and saunter across the screen. Obviously Snake Eyes, the badddest Joe of them all, Duke (probably), Roadblock (the guy with the big machine gun), Scarlet (she's got long red hair, it has to be her) and a bunch of other Joes take on the Baroness and Storm Shadow. There's a suit wearing bad guy who could be Cobra Commander or Destro. Both of those guys both wore masks so I'm not sure who this leader is.

************* Spoiler Alert *************

If you haven't seen this preview yet and don't want to know how it ends then you should skip the next paragraph

The trailer begins with Cobra launching missiles from a secret base at land marks around the world. A missile strikes the Eiffel Tower and immediatedly a green cloud starts eating it causing it to collapse. Then enters General Hawk describing the team. Two of its members are given super suits which allow them to dodge missiles like Ironhide in the first Transformers movie. We see Snake Eyes jumping from several exploding vehicles. In a really cool scene the green fog eats a jet as the pilot ejects. Every scene is awesome, even the ones where the characters are just sitting there looking concerned.

This preview is rated G for GI Joe and may become the standard by which I judge all other action movie trailers.

Ice: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

Previews involving Skrat the prehistoric squirrel can only mean one more thing, you've already seen the best part of the actual movie. Unfortunately for you fellow parental types, this only means the addition of another mildly amusing animated movie to the movie night playlist. In the Dawn of the Dinosaurs theatrical trailer we find Manny, Sid and Diego accompanied by Ellie in another Ice Age adventure. From my estimations this trio should be, according to common scientific standards, 67.9 million years old considering that they encounter a T-rex in this trailer, which lived 68 million years ago, a Neanderthal family in the first movie, 35,000 years ago, and Noah's Ark, 7,000 years ago. (Ironically, this series holds more closely to the Biblical account of creation with the trio encountering dinosaurs, cave men and Noah all in a standard lifetime.)

This trailer was very entertaining. I found myself snickering at the jokes, Skrat's misfortunes and sight gags. It does not leave me with an overwhelming desire to pay $5.75 (matinee-I'm a cheap skate) to see the entire movie. My younger daughter enjoys the commercials and when it's her date night we will probably end up in a theater next to where Transformers 2 is showing watching IA3.

*** Spoiler Alert ***

If you don't want this trailer ruined do not continue reading!

Manny, Moe and Jack, I mean Manny, Sid and Diego, go on a journey to the center of the earth where they find the great valley and of course encounter dinosaurs. They are chased by the T-Rex, Will Ferrill LOL style. Sid becomes the surrogate mother of the T-rex's hatched eggs and tries to milk a yak. I almost laughed out loud at the last Skrat bit where he again, gasp, looses his acorn. Ray Romano is perfect as the whiney Mammoth and Queen Latifah's attitude is a great contrast even though her "Talk to the trunk" line was lame.

Rating: G for Great, another movie I'll have to watch at least three times a year until my grandkids are grown.

Land of the Lost

Land of the Lost is a sci-fi comedy. It's a movie genre which has seen the likes of huge giants in the past including Men in Black, Short Circuit, and The Matrix Revolutions. Like its predecessors, Land of the Lost is a marvel with special effects only lacking in comparison to the groundbreaking fx genius of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. While Will Ferrell might not have the impeccable timing of Rick Moranis himself, Land could be the breakout blockbuster that sci-fi comedy fans have been craving ever since Tim Allen's Galaxy Quest broke their hearts.

Land's trailer is filled with all the necessary goodies for any Space Balls fan including, but not limited to, time and space travel, a T-Rex, rubbery lizard lads, a monkey man, and a campfire banjo tune. Even more than all of these fascinating points of interest, the creators of Land have filmed a scene that this preview reviewer hopes will become a mainstay ingredient in all sci-fi comedy flicks. The scene occurs just a few moments into the trailer. Ferrell's character is being interviewed by Matt Lauer and then all of a sudden Ferrell attacks Lauer. We watch as he cowers away most likely searching out his mommy Meredith Vereira. This scene spoke volumes to me. It's quite a moment when art imitates life.

More than Land of the Lost being just a sci-fi comedy, I believe the movie serves as a much more profound and reaffirming statement - We are not in that much of a recession! One hundred million dollars are reported to have been spent in the making. Well worth the money to chase down Lauer and beat some good sense into him, but the fact remains that this country isn't in the financial fix the media would have us to believe. So with that I say 'thank you' Land of the Lost for being brave enough to be a cultural statement and not merely a time travel bio-pic.

**SPOILER ALERT!!**

**This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the ending to this movie. If you want to pay nine dollars to see Will's surgical scar on a 40 foot screen, then stop reading now**

After being chased by that testy T-Rex for nearly 2 hours, Ferrell finally figures out that the only way he can get the dino off his tail is to subside his hunger. In an intense scene with his new lizard pals, Ferrell captures the Today show flunkie and serves him up on a silver dino-platter but, as it turns out, the monster doesn't want anything to do with him either.

Preview Rating: 4 (my girl Katie Couric)
In Theaters: June 5th

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I recommend Star Trek because it has the previously reviewed Terminator trailer and the new Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen trailer. Star Trek is also worth watching after these previews are over. From the Transformers 2 trailer we find out that Sam goes off to college where his brain downloads the Transformers' secrets, Chuck style and he starts finding Kryptonian, I mean Cybertronian script all over the planet. Apparently Starscream returns with reinforcements including a Decepticon that skates through the city Apolo Anton Ohno style and what looked like the Constructicons who merge into Devastator. Megatron is rescued from the bottom of the ocean (Why didn't they just freeze him at the North Pole again?) Optimus Prime is briefly seen fighting with glowing blades protruding from his arms.

**********************Spoiler Alert******************** Do not read this section if you do not want the preview ruined for you!

From a couple of Sam's reactions we must assume that Optimus Prime and Bumble Bee don't make it.

All of the major human characters return in the preview so fans of the Wetwicki's can now exhale. Toy collectors, you're in trouble because the Transformer cast appears to have grown significantly.

Preview Rating: PG for pretty good. Would've been G for great except for a totally unecessary, gratuitous shot of Sam's girlfriend.

In Theaters: June 24th

Terminator: Salvation

My initial impression of the preview for Terminator: Salvation was that it would be Bruce Wayne vs the Decepticons. I fully expected a cigar chomping, apocalyptic Matthew McConaughey character to show up & show Christian Bales' character how to slay the machines. Sorry ladies, that didn't happen. Instead we are treated with a few special effects heavy scenes, the coolest is with another Bat-Cycle spinning to dodge debris, and a little story line.

************** Spoiler Alert *******************
If you don't want to have the preview's plot ruined for you then skip the next sentence, which I have placed in parenthesis for your convenience. (Apparently the Decepticons, I mean Skynet, are taking live humans for something, then a humanoid Terminator shows up thinking that it is a real live person) *******************************

This Terminator like its predecessor, Arnold, becomes an ally to the humans, no spoiler there if you've seen any of the other movies. The preview, like any good preview, leaves unanswered questions like do the humans win, do the Terminators invent time travel in this movie and when does the Schwarzenator show up?

Preview Rating: PG for pretty good. I'd be early to a movie to see it again.

In Theaters: May 27th

Fantastic Four

At certain points in my life the projector will look deep in my soul and embrace my sense of exploration. My mind will jumpstart with questions that would boggle any movie buff, my feet will start to dance at the opportunity to run with my imagination, and my hands will reach for my tattered wallet that holds the $7 which awaits such a glorious movie. The Fantastic Four starring Jessica Alba and Michael Chiklis, better known for their second rate TV network crime stopper shows , is not one of those movies. This preview simply confirms the fact that Hollywood doesn’t have a clue what makes me sit up straight in my gum infested chair. The premise as far as my two minute screening mind can tell involves a bunch of astronautic types who are exposed to space goo that morphs them into some flamin’, stoned out, see through, noodley (pronounced NEW-DEL-E) vigilantes. The foursome is squared off against a seemingly quadruply powerful goo morphed coworker, who due to his less than wholesome personality as a human takes on evil traits instead of awesome hero skills. The preview moves rapidly at a seizure inducing pace, only providing momentary glimpses of the action. Solitary words describing the plot slowly flash on the screen, thus giving those dim witted enough to be interested time to read. The two minute beating ends with Stone Dude (I didn’t catch his hero label) throwing a car. Now I must admit that throwing a car is pretty neat. Hey, maybe this is going to be a great movie after all. (note: that was sarcasm). I’m sure this movie will do quite well monetarily on the heels of other mutant morphed do-gooder movies like blockbusters Spiderman and X-men, though it would probably fare better with comparisons to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Super Mario Brothers.

*******Spoiler Alert*******
This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the secret ending to this movie. All of you who like watching over the top cinematic wrecks will want to stop reading now.

After a long battle with Mr. Evil (name not disclosed in preview), the Fantastic Four will save the world and realize they must remain a super team because as individuals they’re pretty lame, except for the one who turns to stone- he rocks! The Fantastic Four theme song penned by the regrouped Goo Goo Dolls will then start to play and the credits will roll. The End.

Preview Rating: 2 (minutes too long)
In Theaters: July 8th

Bewitched

Some believed it was just a trend. Some believed only the greats would be remade. Some even believed maybe it would be even better at the theater. Some hopefuls believed Hollywood hadn’t run out of ideas. Based on ‘Bewitched: The Movie’, we all should stop believing in movie magic. There’s no glitter left in Tinseltown. So set your popcorn bag down and put your Goobers in the cup holder, leave your seat in a calm, orderly manner, and go directly to the nearest library (it’s sort of like a Blockbuster for books). The lovely people inside are over sixteen years of age and they all seem to know more than the price of the Big ‘N’ Nasty sized popcorn/hotdog combo. Tell them that you just saw another preview involving a 1960s sitcom turned big screen flick. Tell them that you are in dire need of something original like those Judy Blume classics (I figure it’s best to start slow and work your way up). If they ask you what was so terrible that you would want to take up reading, tell them this…….

‘Bewitched’ starring Nicole Kidman, reviving her Oscar snubbed ‘Practical Magic’ character as the actress who plays Samantha, and the irrepressible Will Ferrell as Jack Wyatt will cast upon audiences this summer a magical spell, a sleeping spell that is. I suggest taking a well fluffed pillow for your head to lie on, a rose to rest on your bosom, and a charming prince to wake you with a kiss because this preview was a real snoozer. Columbia Pictures puts a confusing spin on the plot when Jack Wyatt, a big movie star, seeks a fresh face for the remake of a Bewitched T.V. show. Now let me explain what’s going on so you won’t have to painfully pay attention like I did. Will Ferrell, who plays Jack Wyatt (I mentioned that earlier), is an actor who plays an actor who will portray Darrin in a T.V. show by the same name as the one I am reviewing. Anyhow, after a long search for the right actress, he inadvertently bumps into the actress who plays Samantha. Darrin knows right away she is the perfect fit for his movie, but what he doesn’t know is that she’s more perfect than he thought. She’s a witch. Chaos ensues. There’s a good chance that I may have gotten the plot totally wrong, but I figure I’m not getting paid for this. I do it to look busy when I should be typing orders. Just kidding management! No need to follow up on that. Seriously, please don’t.

****Spoiler Alert********
This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the ending to the movie.

Darrin will fall in love with Samantha. The two of them will have a child named Tabitha, who, years later, will be a guest on Dr. Phil to reveal all of her family’s secrets. With Samantha and Darrin present, Tabitha will shock the viewing audience by confirming rumors that she is pregnant with Harry Potter’s baby. Dr. Phil will tell Samantha her antics early on in her daughter’s life were the direct cause of her teenage daughter’s choices. With a tinkle of her nose, the perturbed Samantha will turn Dr Phil into Oprah’s friend Gail. The End.

Preview Rating: 2 (stars less than an ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ remake)
In theaters: June 24th