Fantastic Four

At certain points in my life the projector will look deep in my soul and embrace my sense of exploration. My mind will jumpstart with questions that would boggle any movie buff, my feet will start to dance at the opportunity to run with my imagination, and my hands will reach for my tattered wallet that holds the $7 which awaits such a glorious movie. The Fantastic Four starring Jessica Alba and Michael Chiklis, better known for their second rate TV network crime stopper shows , is not one of those movies. This preview simply confirms the fact that Hollywood doesn’t have a clue what makes me sit up straight in my gum infested chair. The premise as far as my two minute screening mind can tell involves a bunch of astronautic types who are exposed to space goo that morphs them into some flamin’, stoned out, see through, noodley (pronounced NEW-DEL-E) vigilantes. The foursome is squared off against a seemingly quadruply powerful goo morphed coworker, who due to his less than wholesome personality as a human takes on evil traits instead of awesome hero skills. The preview moves rapidly at a seizure inducing pace, only providing momentary glimpses of the action. Solitary words describing the plot slowly flash on the screen, thus giving those dim witted enough to be interested time to read. The two minute beating ends with Stone Dude (I didn’t catch his hero label) throwing a car. Now I must admit that throwing a car is pretty neat. Hey, maybe this is going to be a great movie after all. (note: that was sarcasm). I’m sure this movie will do quite well monetarily on the heels of other mutant morphed do-gooder movies like blockbusters Spiderman and X-men, though it would probably fare better with comparisons to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Super Mario Brothers.

*******Spoiler Alert*******
This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the secret ending to this movie. All of you who like watching over the top cinematic wrecks will want to stop reading now.

After a long battle with Mr. Evil (name not disclosed in preview), the Fantastic Four will save the world and realize they must remain a super team because as individuals they’re pretty lame, except for the one who turns to stone- he rocks! The Fantastic Four theme song penned by the regrouped Goo Goo Dolls will then start to play and the credits will roll. The End.

Preview Rating: 2 (minutes too long)
In Theaters: July 8th