Fantastic Four

At certain points in my life the projector will look deep in my soul and embrace my sense of exploration. My mind will jumpstart with questions that would boggle any movie buff, my feet will start to dance at the opportunity to run with my imagination, and my hands will reach for my tattered wallet that holds the $7 which awaits such a glorious movie. The Fantastic Four starring Jessica Alba and Michael Chiklis, better known for their second rate TV network crime stopper shows , is not one of those movies. This preview simply confirms the fact that Hollywood doesn’t have a clue what makes me sit up straight in my gum infested chair. The premise as far as my two minute screening mind can tell involves a bunch of astronautic types who are exposed to space goo that morphs them into some flamin’, stoned out, see through, noodley (pronounced NEW-DEL-E) vigilantes. The foursome is squared off against a seemingly quadruply powerful goo morphed coworker, who due to his less than wholesome personality as a human takes on evil traits instead of awesome hero skills. The preview moves rapidly at a seizure inducing pace, only providing momentary glimpses of the action. Solitary words describing the plot slowly flash on the screen, thus giving those dim witted enough to be interested time to read. The two minute beating ends with Stone Dude (I didn’t catch his hero label) throwing a car. Now I must admit that throwing a car is pretty neat. Hey, maybe this is going to be a great movie after all. (note: that was sarcasm). I’m sure this movie will do quite well monetarily on the heels of other mutant morphed do-gooder movies like blockbusters Spiderman and X-men, though it would probably fare better with comparisons to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Super Mario Brothers.

*******Spoiler Alert*******
This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the secret ending to this movie. All of you who like watching over the top cinematic wrecks will want to stop reading now.

After a long battle with Mr. Evil (name not disclosed in preview), the Fantastic Four will save the world and realize they must remain a super team because as individuals they’re pretty lame, except for the one who turns to stone- he rocks! The Fantastic Four theme song penned by the regrouped Goo Goo Dolls will then start to play and the credits will roll. The End.

Preview Rating: 2 (minutes too long)
In Theaters: July 8th

Bewitched

Some believed it was just a trend. Some believed only the greats would be remade. Some even believed maybe it would be even better at the theater. Some hopefuls believed Hollywood hadn’t run out of ideas. Based on ‘Bewitched: The Movie’, we all should stop believing in movie magic. There’s no glitter left in Tinseltown. So set your popcorn bag down and put your Goobers in the cup holder, leave your seat in a calm, orderly manner, and go directly to the nearest library (it’s sort of like a Blockbuster for books). The lovely people inside are over sixteen years of age and they all seem to know more than the price of the Big ‘N’ Nasty sized popcorn/hotdog combo. Tell them that you just saw another preview involving a 1960s sitcom turned big screen flick. Tell them that you are in dire need of something original like those Judy Blume classics (I figure it’s best to start slow and work your way up). If they ask you what was so terrible that you would want to take up reading, tell them this…….

‘Bewitched’ starring Nicole Kidman, reviving her Oscar snubbed ‘Practical Magic’ character as the actress who plays Samantha, and the irrepressible Will Ferrell as Jack Wyatt will cast upon audiences this summer a magical spell, a sleeping spell that is. I suggest taking a well fluffed pillow for your head to lie on, a rose to rest on your bosom, and a charming prince to wake you with a kiss because this preview was a real snoozer. Columbia Pictures puts a confusing spin on the plot when Jack Wyatt, a big movie star, seeks a fresh face for the remake of a Bewitched T.V. show. Now let me explain what’s going on so you won’t have to painfully pay attention like I did. Will Ferrell, who plays Jack Wyatt (I mentioned that earlier), is an actor who plays an actor who will portray Darrin in a T.V. show by the same name as the one I am reviewing. Anyhow, after a long search for the right actress, he inadvertently bumps into the actress who plays Samantha. Darrin knows right away she is the perfect fit for his movie, but what he doesn’t know is that she’s more perfect than he thought. She’s a witch. Chaos ensues. There’s a good chance that I may have gotten the plot totally wrong, but I figure I’m not getting paid for this. I do it to look busy when I should be typing orders. Just kidding management! No need to follow up on that. Seriously, please don’t.

****Spoiler Alert********
This portion of the review is meant to prophetically ruin the ending to the movie.

Darrin will fall in love with Samantha. The two of them will have a child named Tabitha, who, years later, will be a guest on Dr. Phil to reveal all of her family’s secrets. With Samantha and Darrin present, Tabitha will shock the viewing audience by confirming rumors that she is pregnant with Harry Potter’s baby. Dr. Phil will tell Samantha her antics early on in her daughter’s life were the direct cause of her teenage daughter’s choices. With a tinkle of her nose, the perturbed Samantha will turn Dr Phil into Oprah’s friend Gail. The End.

Preview Rating: 2 (stars less than an ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ remake)
In theaters: June 24th